


The Stick of Truth: The Epilogue

by zuotian



Series: Kenman Week 2018 [4]
Category: South Park
Genre: Dialogue Heavy, M/M, South Park: The Stick of Truth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-30 00:02:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17213327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zuotian/pseuds/zuotian
Summary: After betraying everyone and attempting to steal the Stick of Truth, Princess Kenny is imprisoned at Kupa Keep. She escapes and the Grand Wizard sets out to find her, relying on the new alliance between humans and elves. But when the elven leader Kyle denies assistance, the Grand Wizard must look for the Princess on his own, and convince her to return to their kingdom.





	The Stick of Truth: The Epilogue

**Author's Note:**

> ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS FANFICTION—EVEN THOSE BASED ON A REAL VIDEO GAME—ARE ENTIRELY GRATUITOUS. ALL CANONICAL DIALOGUE IS IMPERSONATED ... POORLY. THE FOLLOWING FANFICTION CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT IT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE

Once upon a time there was a Grand Wizard and his Princess. They ruled the Kupa Keep Kingdom side by side during the elven war. That was until Clyde turned into a mega scrotum-licker and became the Prince of Darkness. The humans of K.K.K. partnered with their mortal elven enemies to defeat this new threat. Victory was imminent for these joined forces; they defeated the evil prince and obtained the Stick of Truth. But everything changed when the Princess betrayed her Grand Wizard and his newfound allies. She stole the Stick of Truth and intended to control the universe. Thankfully, she was killed by the Chosen One, only to return to life days later - thereupon the Grand Wizard imprisoned the Princess without trial. And this is where their story resumed...

 

THE STICK OF TRUTH: THE EPILOGUE

 

Cartman opened the sliding door to his backyard and began strolling through the grounds of Kupa Keep. His loyal paladin, Butters, dutifully matched his pace. The kingdom was still recovering from war. Their three mercenaries - Craig, Tweek, and Token - were busy repairing the castle with cardboard and duct tape.

 

“Don’t forget about the new wizard chamber expansion,” Cartman reminded them.

 

“Why do you get a whole wing of the castle?” Craig asked. “Why don’t we get any fighter barracks?”

 

“Yeah,” Token said, “this is crap! I’m sick of sleeping in the bestiary.” He threw his roll of duct tape down in the grass. “I get sand in my butthole!”

 

Cartman sighed, and turned to his paladin. “Butters?”

 

Butters knelt down on one knee. “What is it, my Grand Wizard?”

 

“Deal with these assoles. I need to go check on our prisoner.”

 

Butters stood up and saluted him. “Yes, Grand Wizard!” He walked toward the three mercenaries. “Now listen, fellas. I don’t like getting sand in my butthole neither. But if you don’t keep building, I’m gonna have to ban you to the netherworld with Clyde…”

 

“N-no!” Tweek exclaimed. “You can’t unfriend us on Facebook!”

 

“Then continue your work!”

 

“God damn it,” Token muttered. “I knew we should have switched sides.”

 

Cartman smirked. “Too late now, I’m afraid. Our treaty with the elves has already been ratified.”

 

He left them to their labor and entered the castle. The smirk slid off his face. He sat on his throne and beckoned the prisoner from the shadows with his hand.

 

Princess Kenny moved forward. A dog leash tethered to the foot of the throne was wrapped around her ankle, dragging behind her. She stood before the Grand Wizard, glaring silently.

 

“Don’t look at me like that,” Cartman said. “You totally fucked me over, Kenny!”

 

“I told you guys I didn’t really mean it,” she said.

 

“I’m not stupid. You might have everyone else fooled, but I knew exactly what was happening. You’re just a greedy little bitch. If it weren’t for me, everyone would’ve let you off the hook.”

 

“Yeah, because this is stupid. It’s just a game. Let me go already.”

 

Cartman slammed his fist down on the arm of his throne. “It wasn’t just a game when you were about to cheat on us with the feds!”

 

Princess Kenny raised her eyebrows. “Cheat on them, or cheat on you?”

 

“Shut up,” Cartman ordered, his face reddening. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

“I knew you liked having me on your side,” she continued heedlessly, “having a pretty princess to boast about. Kyle and Stan don’t have any maidens, do they? I was your crown jewel.”

 

“I wear a fucking wizard hat, idiot, there isn’t any crown - “ Cartman cut himself off and pursed his lips. “You aren’t pretty and you aren’t a maiden. You’re a dude pretending to be a chick. You’re worse than Garrison.”

 

She propped her elbow on the arm of the throne, next to his clenched fist, and leaned against his leg. “I knew you’d be so mad,” she said, twirling a lock of hair around her gloved finger. “You couldn’t believe it when I turned… It was so satisfying. You were the first to say anything, and the last to fight against me.” Even though her mouth was covered by her hood, the corners of her eyes crinkled with a sardonic smile. “It’s because you _like_ me.”

 

“I don’t _like_ you - that’s _gay_ \- and even if I did, it’s only for the game, because you’re only a princess for the game - “

 

“But you said this wasn’t just a game - “

 

“It doesn’t matter now, because you fucking lied to me! The whole time, you were plotting against me, weren’t you?”

 

The princess rested her chin in her hand. “Yeah,” she simply confirmed.

 

Cartman grit his teeth. “I hate you!”

 

“Is that why you have me chained at your feet, always in sight? If you really hated me, you’d unfriend me on Facebook, like Clyde.” She put her other hand on his knee. “Face it, Cartman.”

 

Cartman looked out the castle door and called for his paladin. “Butters! Get over here!”

 

Butters ran inside the throne room and bowed. “What is it, my liege?”

 

“Our princess is being a slut. She still hasn’t learned her lesson, and requires further punishment.”

 

Butters lifted his head, glancing at the hand on Cartman’s knee. “But - Grand Wizard, she said she was sorry.”

 

“I don’t give a fuck! I want her put to death.”

 

“But I’m a knight, not an executioner!”

 

“Then get Craig or Token to do it, if you’re too much of a pussy.”

 

“What the hell?” Princess Kenny interjected, stepping back from the throne. “This is bullshit.”

 

“You’re my prisoner,” Cartman reminded her. “You have to do what I say!”

 

Butters frowned. “I can’t look like a pussy in front of the royal subjects.”

 

“Respect my authoritah!”

 

“No,” Kenny said. She reached down and unhooked the dog leash around her ankle. “I’m out.”

 

“You can’t just quit,” Cartman said.

 

“Yes I can,” Kenny said. “There’s no more Stick of Truth, and the New Kid moved away. What are you gonna do, Cartman? What is all this even for?”

 

He spluttered. “I’ll - I’ll - hey! Get back here!”

 

Kenny fled out of the castle.

 

“Go after her, Butters!”

 

“Aw, jeeze!” Butters turned around and ran. “Kenny, wait!”

 

Cartman pushed off his throne and followed briskly. The mercenaries stopped their work to watch the princess escape. She flew past the merchant, Scott Malkinson, and knocked down his wares.

 

“Somebody stop her,” Cartman yelled.

 

But nobody listened. Even Butters gave up once she went through the sliding door.

 

Cartman walked forward and bent down to pick up Kenny’s tiara, which had fallen in her flight. He threw it at Scott Malkinson’s head. “This fucking sucks!”

 

“But all is not lost, Grand Wizard,” Butters nervously assuaged. “The treaty requires assistance from the elves! Maybe she ran away to their territory.”

 

“Good idea, Butters,” Cartman said. “Send a carrier raven at once, and tell the three fighters to start scouting… She couldn’t have gone far.” He retrieved Kenny’s tiara from the downed Scott Malkinson and pocketed it in his robes.

 

Craig, Tweek, and Token were dispatched. Afterward, Kyle, the elven leader, replied to their carrier raven. Butters relayed the message to Cartman in the throne room.

 

“They want us to meet at the Giggling Donkey, my liege.”

 

“Then let’s go.”

 

The bard’s parents had made an insurance claim and got funds to repair their house. Immediately after, the Giggling Donkey was back in business, since the treaty was enacted there would be no more fighting. Humans and elves alike could finally congregate in peace to hear the bard’s stand up comedy.

 

Jimmy was in the center of the room, telling his jokes. All around him were candlelit tables where kids sat and drank sodas and juice. Kyle was sitting in the back corner with his knight, Stan. Cartman and Butters slid in across from them.

 

“What’s going on?” Kyle asked.

 

“Kenny quit the game,” Butters reported.

 

Cartman hit him in the shoulder. “Let me talk first! I’m the Grand Wizard! This is a royal meeting. You just be quiet and make sure I don’t get assassinated.” He turned back to Kyle. “Princess Kenny escaped the K.K.K. dungeon. She’s gone rouge.”

 

“Or maybe Kenny really just doesn’t want to play anymore,” Kyle said.

 

“No. She’s just trying to get back at me. She wanted to rule the universe - including Kupa Keep! She wants my throne, I’m sure of it.”

 

“Nobody wants your throne, dude,” Stan said. “Your kingdom is shitty.”

 

“No, it’s not! It’s way cooler than your guys’,” Cartman protested. “I have a fearsome lion!”

 

“Stan has a wolf,” Kyle reminded him. “And we have a treehouse.”

 

“Whatever! Look. I need help finding her. I’ve already sent my three best fighters out to look around.”

 

Kyle frowned. “I need to approve of any human activity in my territory. You should’ve asked me first.”

 

“I don’t have _time_ . This is serious, Kyle! She could be getting _raped_ again!”

 

“Not by any elves - we stick to the treaty, fatass!”

 

“Maybe he just went home,” Stan said. “Did you check his house?”

 

“No,” Cartman grumbled. “I was hoping we could get a giant search team or something.”

 

“I really don’t want to get involved,” Kyle told him. “We’re all pretty sick of fighting. If Kenny doesn’t want to play anymore, that’s his deal. Can’t we just enjoy the game, and be elves and humans like normal?”

 

“How am I supposed to do that without a princess?”

 

Kyle shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe treat your remaining followers with respect. Kenny probably left because you were being a huge asshole, right? A good ruler doesn’t just throw people in dungeons.”

 

“She was about to destroy the whole universe! Does nobody get that?”

 

“That was like three days ago,” Stan said. “Just move on, Cartman.”

 

“She did apologize,” Butters reminded.

 

“Didn’t I tell you to shut up?” Cartman asked. He rose from the table. “I guess I’ll just do it on my own, then!”

 

Butters stirred. “Where are you going?”

 

“To the wastelands,” Cartman said. “Don’t follow me.”

 

“Oh, we won’t,” Kyle promised.

 

Cartman stormed out of the Giggling Donkey and walked across town, mumbling angrily to himself. Princess Kenny was such a bitch, but nobody even cared. How could they just play the game without a princess? It was stupid. Who was going to get raped and kidnapped now?

 

With the treaty enacted, none of the passing elves engaged in combat, so Cartman arrived quickly. He stepped over the train tracks and broken beer bottles and entered the wastelands. He banged on Kenny’s front door with his magic staff.

 

The door opened. Kenny stood there in his orange parka.

 

“Hey,” he said.

 

“Hey,” Cartman said. “What the hell are you doing?”

 

“Watching NASCAR.”

 

“Why won’t you come back and play?”

 

“I’m bored,” Kenny said.

 

“What about all the leveling up we did?” Cartman demanded. “And the boss fights and trophies? Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

 

“Not anymore. We beat the game.”

 

“There’s always post-game content!”

 

“And I’m locked up for all of it?” Kenny asked.

 

“You need to pay for your crimes!”

 

Kenny rolled his eyes. “Do you even know why betrayed you?”

 

Cartman paused. “Because you’re half-orc?”

 

“No! That’s just a dumb backstory. I did it because of you, dickwad.”

 

“What did I do?”

 

Kenny threw his hands up. “I was supposed to rule _with_ you! I didn’t want to just stay a princess. I wanted to be queen.”

 

“I knew it!” Cartman jammed his staff into the dirt. “I knew you wanted my throne!” He rolled the sleeves of his robe up. “Let’s fight, bro!”

 

“I don’t want to fight,” Kenny said. He put his hand on the doorknob, ready to go back inside. “I wanted to get married!”

 

Cartman’s eyes widened. His hands fell to his sides. “What?”

 

“I wanted to marry you,” Kenny repeated.

 

“To restore the bond between orcs and humans?”

 

“No.” Kenny furrowed deeper into his parka. “Because I _like_ you, idiot. You just didn’t realize. So I had to look elsewhere for power.”

 

“Oh. Well...I guess that makes sense. Why didn’t you say anything?”

 

“You locked me up!”

 

“Yeah, I guess I did.”

 

Cartman reached into his robes and held out the tiara. “You dropped this earlier.”

 

Kenny stiffened. “It’s too late now.”

 

“No, it’s not. I’m - I’m sorry for imprisoning you.” Cartman thrusted the tiara forward. “You were right, earlier today. I like you, too, Kenny.” He blushed. “Not just as a princess, either. In general.”

 

Kenny turned red, too. “Really?”

 

“Yes! But you can’t tell anyone that part.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Everyone wants to play like normal. No more fighting. We just have to do other stuff.” Cartman shrugged with feigned flippancy. “A wedding would be pretty cool.”

 

“Yeah, it would be,” Kenny agreed. “Wait a second.”

 

He shut the door. When he stepped back outside, he was dressed as Princess Kenny once more.

 

Cartman grinned. “Sweet! Here…” He stepped closer and put the tiara back on Princess Kenny’s head. “There.”

 

They sent a carrier raven announcing their engagement and returned to Kupa Keep. Butters was there, waiting excitedly. He launched himself at Princess Kenny with a giant hug.

 

“I’m so glad you’re back, Princess! The Grand Wizard was going nuts!”

 

“Really?” she asked, smiling.

 

“This wedding is gonna be great,” Butters said. He stepped away and gave Cartman a thumbs up. “You did it!”

 

“Where are the mercenaries?” Cartman asked.

 

“Here,” Craig said, walking up behind with Tweek and Token. “Looks like you found her.”

 

“Congratulations on the wedding, I guess,” Token said.

 

“But the castle isn’t even finished,” Tweek worried.

 

“Who cares?” Cartman asked. He took the princess’ hand. “I have all I need.”

 

“Aw, I’m gonna cry,” Butters sniffed.

 

Scott Malkinson, standing beside his newly repaired shop, spoke. “The elves have arrived!”

 

Kyle, Stan, and Jimmy walked past the sliding door.

 

“Looks like you figured your shit out,” Kyle said.

 

“Well, I think the p-p-princess deserves more than this piece of sh-shit,” Jimmy said. “But if she’s okay with it, I guess that’s th-that.”

 

“Welcome back, Kenny,” Stan greeted.

 

Cartman tugged Kenny to the center of the kingdom. “Let’s do this.”

 

And so, the Grand Wizard and his Princess, officiated by Butters the Paladin, were joined in holy matrimony. Princess Kenny became Queen Kenny, and a new era of peace dawned on the land. Humans and elves lived together in harmony. A second throne was erected next to the Grand Wizard’s, where Queen Kenny ruled with great impunity. She was a delightful addition to the kingdom, balancing the Wizard’s hamfisted order. And everyone lived happily ever after...until they switched games and started playing superheroes, that is.

 

THE END…?

**Author's Note:**

> for the prompt AU. wanted to throw out a mention to the final SoT bossfight... so many Kenny/Cartman feels. 
> 
> next up is celebration. 
> 
> leave a comment letting me know what you think!


End file.
